Losing and Gaining Briana: Sabotage

Sabotage....why do I do it?

Since my last group of measurements I've been doing a pretty good job with my workouts and eating. Slip ups here and there, but that's to be expected and I didn't have many. All of that changed this past week. I don't know what happened. Anything I should not be eating...I eat. You name and I think I have had it this past week...wings, fries, candy, chips, chicken nuggets. The only thing I have not eaten that I wanted was a cheeseburger. I had to throw out some chicken breast today, because I had completely forgotten I put it in my fridge to thaw 5 days ago. Why did I forget? I've been eating out so much that I really have not looked in my refrigerator. Sad, I know, but it's the truth. It's depressing to think about. Normally, I would probably say it's in the past...move on. I will move on and I do agree it's in the past, for I feel like I intentionally sabotaged myself. SO, I feel like I need to evaluate what happened before I move on.

When I say intentional, I don't mean I said "Hey, I'm sick of eating better. Let's eat crap and be happy!" It's difficult to explain, but there were times when I really thought about what I was ordering and knew I shouldn't, but did anyway. What do I think led to this?

1. This is my work rotation. Everything is such much more difficult for me when I work, because my time is so limited. During my work week I am sleep deprived and hungry, because I do not have the opportunity to get much sleep and I have even less time to eat. This means I eat one (sometimes twice a day) when I work. I literally sat at my house and cried Friday morning when I got off. There was no real reason why, other than the fact that I was exhausted. At the moment I think I had 3 hrs of sleep in over 2 days and I had eaten 1 meal and 1 Fiber One Bar. I felt like I was having some sort of mental breakdown. I'm not sure if it was the week catching up with me, or if it was the year catching up with me. I've been operating like this for quite some time now. It's overwhelming, but I should graduate in May and things will get easier then.

2. TOM is approaching. I don't even need to explain this one. Just know the cravings for salt and sugar are unreal.

3. I'm uncomfortable with all the attention. I don't feel like I've lost THAT much weight...close to 20 lbs since my heaviest of 249. I honestly do not feel I look completely different either. Well, regardless of what I think, people are noticing. I'm getting comments about it and I'm getting hit on more often. I'm not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable. This might be another reason I am still wearing clothes that are too big for me. I want to cover up. This is the opposite of how I thought I would feel. I'm just not used to the attention...that's all.

I really can't think of anything else. I'm back on track today. I'm getting it together. Everything will be fine. This was just a tough week.

I had to cancel with Sam Friday morning. I was having chest pains when breathing. The best way to describe for me is in terms of an asthma attack. So, if you have asthma, you'll understand. The day after having a bad asthma attack my chest of really sore. This is how I felt Friday, like I had an attack the day before (but I didn't). I'm still having issues with this off and on. I have not gone to a doctor, and I'm not sure if I will or not. This plus being sleep deprived...I just couldn't train.

This week no excuses. I saw a great picture on another blog a couple of weeks ago. The next time you are making excuses for not working out, think of this picture.